I’m waiting longer to have sex. Does that suddenly make me ‘high-value’?
Debunking toxic dating advice & Why I’m choosing not to sleep with my dates.
Hi Cool Dancers!
“When should I sleep with him?”
It’s a question I get all the time. But let’s be real: 99% of the time, the question underneath it is, “When is the ‘right’ time to sleep with him so he doesn’t lose interest, and I don’t ruin my shot?”
And that mindset? I HATE it.
This whole idea stems from centuries of patriarchal norms and societal expectations that dictate women's sexuality. Definitely perpetuated in the dating culture I grew up with in the 90s and early 2000s, which was entirely centered around men—a ‘how to get the guy’ and ‘what men want’ mentality.
“Don’t give up the candy store at once. Give it one jujube at a time.”
That line, from books like Why Men Love Bitches, 🤢, reinforces the idea that a woman’s worth is based on how much we withhold—and, unsurprisingly, a woman’s own desire doesn’t appear to be a factor at all. This advice doesn’t empower women, it strips us of our autonomy. It’s a mindset rooted in fear and implies that we need to exist in a certain way to be valued. That we need to be tactical to win the love of someone.
So let’s call out what’s really at play here: The Madonna-Whore Complex (MWC).
The MWC is a common, and often subconscious, complex that’s shaped by societal expectations. It places women into one of two categories: the “Madonna,” the pure, nurturing, virtuous woman; or the “Whore,” the overly sexual, manipulative, promiscuous woman. This misogynistic framework limits our sexual expression, agency, and freedom, dictating our worth based on arbitrary standards.
Disturbingly, these attitudes are still alive and kicking today. Take these comments shared in reaction to the cartoon above:
“The main issue here is that men don’t want to get someone that’s already been with a lot of guys for long-term purposes… he wants a girl that has only reserved herself for him, so that HE CAN SHOW HER SLOWLY how to be better at sex…you can shape the best yourself”
“If you are too good in bed, then you love having sex, which means you’ve slept with more than one person! You aren’t pure enough to be their wife… You can be fucked, just not married!”*
The double standard is so dumb and exhausting. I’m over it. If I scare a man off because of my sexuality or the number of men I’ve slept with (which is none of their business, by the way)? BYE. Because luckily while this is still deeply entrenched, there are also incredible men out there who don’t think this way.
And here’s the harsh truth:
You can sleep with someone on the first date and end up marrying them.
You can wait three months to have sex and still have them ghost you the next day.
So let me be clear: I’m calling BS on the whole idea that waiting to have sex somehow makes you a “worthwhile woman” rather than “just a good time.” — terms coined in some more shitty books we grew up with.
Your worth is not tied to some arbitrary timeline of when you have sex.
Far more interesting than the question of when you choose to get intimate, is the question of why and how it aligns with your needs, desires, and emotional health. Rather than obsessing over “Will this help get the guy?” I want to know what feels good for YOU. What do YOU desire? What pace feels right to YOU emotionally?
As for me? Recently, I’m starting to take things slower with new partners. I’ve been feeling the importance of my personal boundaries more than ever. I’m noticing that if someone hints at staying the night, it feels way more intimate than it used to. I’m not in a rush to dive into that level of closeness, and I’m more mindful now of how sex affects me emotionally. For many with a vulva, physical intimacy can create an intense bond thanks to our body’s release of oxytocin—a bonding hormone. And yes, this can sometimes lead to being “DICKMATIZED.”
For me, this can happen when there’s a super strong connection and the sex is next-level amazing. My brain gets foggy, and it can feel a little confusing afterward. So I’m focusing now on building connections slowly, staying clear-headed, and getting to know someone without immediately bringing sex into the mix.
Does that make me a “higher-value woman”? Fuck No. I love and respect myself just as much now as I did when I would sleep with someone earlier on.
And if I decide to have sex on the first date? Absolutely no shame in that.
The only opinion of myself that matters, is my own.
And to make choices that align with my values, I ask myself the following questions before becoming intimate with someone:
Is it something I desire?
After we’re intimate, how will I feel about myself? Happy and calm? Or would I feel empty, used or anxious?
Do I feel safe with them?
Since I'm someone who gets attached quickly, is it worth the risk? Or do I feel like taking that step? Can I stay grounded while still getting to know them after?
Am I doing this from a place of….empowerment, sadness, happiness, insecurity, escapism or excitement?
Feel free to steal my list and check in with yourself like this too! This way you center your decision AROUND YOU.
There is no universal 'right time' to have sex. The right time is when it feels right to both people involved—not sooner and not later.
Staying true to ourselves in this way is worth a million times more than following any “rules” about when to sleep with someone.
I’d love to hear from you: What are your thoughts?
In case you missed it…
And until next week, stay SHAMELESS!
xx
Jess