#2 Ask VCD Anything: How do I get out of a situationship?
Listen up, it SUCKS to be confused and dicked around, but remember, you're in control. To escape a situationship, you need to become captain of your role in the ‘ship’. But how does this look?
Step 1: Recognize your worth
We are in control of whether we chase someone or not. We are in control of if we give them access to us. We are in control of if we stick around.
YOU have to recognize your worth. To decide that YOU are worthy of someone committing to you and that you are worthy of love. Because at the end of the day it is emotionally unavailable people that attract emotionally unavailable people.
I've been there myself, stuck in situationships for years when I was younger. These can take different forms for different people, but mine often involved falling for someone who showed some interest – enough to sleep with me, text me, and meet up when we were out. And when we were physically together, it felt like magic. Yet, when we were apart, it turned into a rollercoaster of inconsistency, hot and cold behavior, and confusion...that is until I got the next text from them giving me that delicious hit of temporary dopamine.
Step 2: Effective Communication
Situationships develop when two people avoid discussing the nature of their relationship. So the first step is to communicate openly what you want. It can be scary, especially within a situationship, but you must ask the tough questions. And when I say ‘ask’ I don’t mean ask “what are we”. I mean express what you want and ask if they are open for it.
"Hey, we've been spending a lot of time together, and I'd like us to focus on each other exclusively. How do you feel about that?"
"I'd love to go on a proper date sometime. Would you be up for it?"
"Although this started casually, my feelings have changed, and I'm looking for something more. Is that something you'd be interested in exploring?"
The reason people stay in these situations for so long is often fear of a certain outcome. But BE BRAVE. Having clarity is key in any healthy dynamic and not asking these questions or failing to communicate your desires only keeps you trapped and sends a message that this is all you deserve.
Step 3: Actively Listen and Set Boundaries:
Pay attention to their response. And here’s how that can go!
You get your dream answer:
If they're on the same page, fantastic – you've moved into a real relationship. Pop the champagne and make sure you continue to have open communication, because god knows it’s a continuous process.
You get a hard no:
This is a gift. This is the best thing someone can ever do for you. They are doing you a service of being honest. Getting a 'no' from one person frees you to find your 'yes' with someone else.
You get a ‘vague’ answer:
If they make excuses, dodge your questions or promise things they never follow through on, the only way out is for you to walk away. If they say ‘they don’t want to hurt you,’ or ‘they are busy with work at the moment,’ or ‘they have been injured in the past,’ the only way out is for you to walk away.
If they have communicated any sign that they are not on the same page as you, the responsibility falls squarely on you and what you let into your life. It can be easy to feel like a victim and wonder 'why does this always happen to me' or 'why doesn't anyone love me enough.' Take back your power by not settling for crumbs. Set your boundaries.
Step 4: Avoid Going Back:
Situationships are rarely a clean break and can take months or years to truly end for good. They often involve a blend of anxious-avoidant attachment. The person you're interested in may keep returning – texting, wanting to see you, and giving you digital attention. It's tempting to think, "They must really like me because they keep coming back." But the truth is you are LETTING them come back. Because this whole thing isn’t a question of whether someone likes you or not. I mean we know they enjoy your company and physical intimacy or else they wouldn’t have spent time with you in the first place. It’s that they don't like you enough or are not in a place where they want to progress in the way you need.
To avoid falling back into the situationship, you have to stay true within yourself and exercise strong self-discipline and self-awareness. You will be tested by the Universe.
If you are currently in a situationship, please don’t be hard on yourself. There is so much we all have to unlearn and it is NOT too late to break the cycle. Moving forward, practice intentional dating, open communication, and confidence in expressing your vulnerabilities and what you need.
If you have any thoughts on my answer or any suggestions of or experiences of your own share them with us in the comments!
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Thanks for the real talk VCD! Very empowering stuff xx