#4 Ask VCD Anything: What can I do with an unsatisfying sex life?
Mismatched libidos in long term relationships. Let's get into it.
Dear Vanillacooldance: I'm in an almost perfect relationship of 10 years. My husband is not very sexual person, I am the other way. Don't want anyone else, I could go with self pleasure, but we live in a one room apartment and if he's not that much into sex, feels weird to do it next to him and I am not that often alone at home. Should I make my peace with sayings goodbye to sex in my 30s?
Feel free to add your own advice in the comments below!
I get submissions about mismatched sex drives all the time. The desire disparity could be from the get-go, or, as life happens – stress, familiarity, hectic schedules, mental health, hormones, kids – you name it.
And let’s get brutally honest here. While it's true that sex isn't the sole foundation of a relationship, it's undeniably a crucial pillar.
So…If I were facing this dilemma, here's what I would consider.
Are we emotionally connected?
The first question I would ask myself, beyond the physical aspect, is whether I feel emotionally connected to my partner. Is there a strong emotional bond, do we feel safe and secure with one another, or is there distance? If there's a sense of distance, that could be the starting point to address, as it may be a symptom of underlying issues.
If you're saying check, check, and check to emotional intimacy, great! Now, ask yourself, is there space for desire as well? Loving someone isn’t enough to create desire in a long-term relationship. There also has to be mystery, space, and passion.
Esther Perel’s “Mating in Captivity” is a great read about maintaining and creating desire in long-term relationships.
Let’s talk about sex baby!
If you know me, you know I love to talk. So, I'd have an open and honest conversation about this with my partner. In a non-stressful and unrushed environment, I would lay it all on the table, using ‘I’ statements to express why intimacy matters to me. Trying to clearly identify what sex means to me and what I feel is missing—whether it’s connection, emotional release, or just plain pleasure. And, of course, I’d want to hear my partner's side without any judgment, aiming for understanding and coming together as a team.
Defining what a fulfilling sex life means
When we think of sex we typically think of penetration, but there are so many other ways of creating physical closeness. On the ‘non-sexual’ side there is hugging, massages, cuddling, eye-gazing, and holding hands. On the more sexual side, there’s using toys, mutual masturbation, and oral sex, to name a few. These are all different ways to build that intimate connection.
You mentioned feeling awkward about mentioning self-pleasure to him, but I think this is one of the first things I’d suggest. Asking my partner if they could hold me or kiss me while I take care of myself. This can be incredibly intimate. I understand it might feel strange given their lower interest in sex, but remember that this is about communicating your needs and finding healthy solutions.
And when it comes to the frequency and nature of sex. It’s entirely personal. Every couple must decide for themselves what works for them. It's not about looking outward and comparing yourselves to others, but inward because there is no one right way.
The turn-on list
Taking a look at our sexual history can be super enlightening. When has your partner been receptive and in the mood to get it on? Finding patterns and discovering what turns you both on on could give some valuable insights.
Turning ‘Not now’ into ‘How about we…’
It can be difficult to be continuously turned down. I’d ask if my partner was open to responding in a more positive way, like:
I’m really tired now, but can we cuddle instead?
I’d love to watch you
What if we get a really good night’s sleep tonight and I rock your world this weekend?
When you think of it, it’s kind of like anything else. If I asked someone on a date and they said “I can’t, sorry” and left it at that, I would feel pretty f*cking shitty, but if they responded with “Oh! I’m really tired this week, but I would love to next weekend” or “I can’t make tonight but can we call instead” the energy would be completely different.
And this isn’t only about me, I would also ask my partner if I could communicate or respond to them differently as well.
Date night
While others may cringe, I fully support planned intimacy. When you start dating someone for the first time, you have DATES. Before the date was anticipation and excitement and there was a mutual understanding that that evening would be about connecting with one another. Continuing to do this in a long term relationship is also a great idea.
Pro tip: Have sex BEFORE going on the date so that you aren’t too tired, too stuffed or, too full of excuses to do the deed when you get back.
If all else fails…
I’d absolutely call in the pros. A sex therapist can provide some structured help and an outsider’s perspective.
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