Don't hook up without this....

A framework for sex, clarity, and connections that don’t leave you spiraling.

Hi Cool Dancer!

Today, I’m sharing one of my all-time favorite frameworks to help you create more intentional connections and avoid the dreaded post-sex confusion (or, even worse, a situationship)!

Because it’s fucking shitty when……

You hook up hoping for connection, but now feel kind of empty.
You’ve caught feelings, but you’re not sure if they’re returned.
You crossed your own boundaries and feel weird about it.
You aren't sure if you should spend the night or go home.
You keep having sex without clarity on where things are going—or if you're even on the same page.

No more!

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Enter RBDSM(&A)—sounds kinky, but it’s a fucking lifeline.

A five-letter guide to slow things down, bring intentionality into your sex life, and stop the cycle of confusion and unmet needs. I first heard of this in the kink and tantric communities, but I now use it in any intimate context because it’s so fucking helpful! It’s made my connections so much clearer and deeper.

So let’s break it down.

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R = Relationship Context

Are you seeing anyone who should know about this?

You could ask (and share yourself):

• “Is anyone expecting exclusivity from you?”

• “Are you in any dynamics I should know about?”

• “Are you seeing anyone else right now?”

• “Are you open, poly, monogamous, undefined?”

And of course you can express your boundaries, or how you feel about their answers, and vice versa.

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B = Boundaries

What are your no’s, your edges, your non-negotiables?

(Hot tip: Have this convo outside the bedroom. It’s easier to get clear before getting naked!)

Examples:

• “I don’t do sleepovers early on.”

• “I just want to kiss and cuddle.”

• “I’m up for anything but penetration.”

• “Please don’t touch my chest—it’s a trauma spot.”

• “I only have sex with someone I’m in a committed relationship with.”

Boundaries aren’t limiting. They’re freeing.
They let you say yes fully because you’ve already said no clearly.

And they reveal a lot about the other person. Do they respect your limits or try to push them?

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D = Desires

What do you really want—from this experience, this person, this moment?

Name it. Shamelessly.

• “I want to feel worshipped.”

• “I want this to be slow and connected even if it’s casual.”

• “I want to be dominated so that I can fully let go.”

• “I want a massage!”

• “Honestly, I’d love to go down on you.”

This can be such a turn on!!

Most people skip these next three, but they’re the key to turning your hookup into something clear, connected, and conscious.