Birthday edition: 35 Lessons for a SHAMELESS Life! 🎉
35 lessons I’ve learned over the years—some serious, some funny, some scandalous, but shameless. Love them, hate them, agree, don’t—it’s my birthday, and I’ll write what I want to! 😉
Hi Cool Dancers!
First of all, THANK YOU for being here and for your incredible support during the launch of SHAMELESS! It’s been so energizing to read all your thoughts, and I can’t wait to begin this journey together!
Today is my 35th birthday! Fittingly, it falls during Sexual Health Awareness Month. 😉
To celebrate, I've been reflecting on 35 of the most important lessons I've learned in my life. Some are serious, some are funny, and some are downright scandalous. Each lesson has shaped who I am today, and I hope they inspire you to embrace your own journey, no matter where you are in life.
Before we jump in, here’s a small ramble with some of my reflections about turning 35, my admiration for moms, and some of the things I’m most proud of this year!
10 Lessons to a SHAMELESS Life (THE FIRST 11)
1. FOCUS on how YOU FEEL when you date.
Instead of asking, “Do they like me?” ask yourself, “Do I like them? Do I like who I am when I’m with them?”
Because guess what baby, you are stuck with yourself forever, so you better make sure that you love that version of yourself as much as the person you are dating. In my early 20s, I wasted time pining over people who made me miserable. You can change this mindset—be the chooser.
2. It is NEVER too late.
To change your career, your life, go on that adventure, or apply for that thing. While there may be barriers, and it might be easier for some than others, I want to inspire everyone to shift their mindset. We spend far too much time convincing ourselves that we’re stuck or trapped, and far too little time looking for the ‘how might we’s.’
Here are some stories that keep me inspired and on my toes:
At age 40 Vera Wang went from figure skating and journalism to fashion design. Julia Child published her first cookbook at 50. Momofuku Ando invented instant ramen at 48!
Grannie Annie is meeting me at 97 years old in Dublin—if she can get her ass to Dublin at 97, imagine what you can do right now!
3. Jealousy is your Compass
I used to hate feeling jealous; it felt ‘ugly.’ But now I see it as an opportunity for curiosity. When jealousy strikes, I ask myself: "What exactly is being triggered? What am I missing in my own life?" When I started my business, I stalked Instagram accounts to see which ones triggered that feeling. Instead of spiraling, I used it to get clear on where I wanted to go and who I wanted to emulate.
Now when I see something that could make one feel jealous, I now think “THEY ARE SHOWING ME THAT THIS IS POSSIBLE.” How fucking cool is that!
4. Stop being fucking humble.
I mean it. Especially if you are a woman.
I will never, ever look at your amazing LinkedIn accomplishment or Instagram post and think, Jeez, they are showing off and if others think that, it’s because they have a wound of their own to heal. We grow up learning we should be humble and that celebrating ourselves is vain. I completely disagree. I want to celebrate ALL OF YOUR WINS. And not only that, but by putting your story into the world you pave the way for others and show people what’s possible.
If you can SEE IT, you can BE IT is something I learned earlier this year as part of a Creative Leader accelerator program at Cannes Lions
5. Calling people in Is far more effective than calling people out.
My beautiful friend Estefania López taught me this one and it's been a game-changer.
It's easy to get bogged down, discouraged, and angry - especially when facing patriarchy, sexism, and bad behavior in dating. But rather than stewing in this and getting angrier and angrier, we need to invite others into the conversation.
If you scroll back to the beginnings of Vanillacooldance, you'll find many cartoons that are a bit finger-pointy (and let's be honest, I still do this occasionally - after all, what's life without a little self-deprecating humor?)
But more often now, I focus on calling people in. By making men part of our conversation, 27% of Cool Dancers are now men - men who will go back into the world more educated about female pleasure and open communication. We love that!
This approach works in real life too. In the past, if a man showed no interest in my pleasure, I'd get ANGRY and probably act like a bitch in return. Now, I get curious. Everyone has a story. By inviting people into the conversation rather than shutting them out or attacking them so they immediately go into the defensive, we can create real change and foster better understanding between everyone.
6. It’s ok to make money!
I talk a lot about knowing your worth in dating. Well!!! Just like you’ve got to know your value in relationships, you’ve got to know your value in your work, too!
I’ve been pouring my heart and soul into Vanillacooldance—1,600 cartoons over 7 years! That’s a whole lot of laughs, lessons, and late nights. And while I absolutely LOVE sharing it all with you, I also recognize that I’m bringing something valuable to the table.
So, in the spirit of shameless self-worth…
The next 5 lessons are for paid subscribers 😉