#5 Ask VCD Anything: When and how should you bring up desires and kinks while dating?
When to broach this topic in a new relationship is not a one-size-fits-all answer; it depends on the dynamics between you and your partner.
I firmly believe that establishing a safe, judgement-free space for open communication, including desires, is smart to do right from the beginning. Now, that's not to say you should lead with your kinks or anything sexual during a first text exchange or first date. Please don’t! Unless, of course, it’s clear from the start for both of you that this is a sex-forward dynamic. However, once it becomes clear that intimacy is on the horizon, or if you've already taken that step, that's a good time to initiate these conversations. Starting these discussions earlier is often easier than having to reverse engineer them later.
You can start by asking questions to gauge your partner's comfort level and openness. Share what you already enjoy about your experiences together, ask about their preferences, and express your willingness to try new things. Remember that not everyone is going to be used to talking about these things initially, so it’s also ok if people don’t know exactly what they want, like or even feel comfortable talking about from the start. Use this as a jumping-off point; it’s something you can always come back to.
Here are some examples of how you can start a conversation about kinks or desires with your partners:
SEND THEM THIS NEWSLETTER. Bam conversation started.
Play intimacy card games together like Let’s F*cking Date or We're Not Really Strangers.
Read a steamy book and bring up scenes from it to your partner to see how they react.
Ask, "Have you heard of or tried this sex-positive dating app?” i.e. Feeld or Pure)?" Either way this can serve as an entryway to start the conversation.
Share something that was on a podcast and ask for their thoughts on it.
And, of course, send them a Vanillacooldance cartoon ;)
Not every partner will share the same desires as you, and vice versa, so go in with an open, curious mind and never force someone to do something they don’t want.
It also helps to get really clear for yourself what specifically about the desire appeals to you. Take dirty talk for instance, is it the affirmation, role-play, or learning more about your partners preferences? Similarly, if your partner has reservations, understanding those as well. In this example, is it a fear of sounding silly or feeling nervous? Or just not liking it? And then going from there without judgement.
And if you are on the receiving end of hearing about someone’s kinks also be inquisitive. Because there is a whole world of different things people are into. Take these examples of fetishes you Cool Dancers shared with me for example.
Always keep in mind that desires change over time, making this a continuous conversation rather than just a one-off discussion!
Have any advice to add, comments or feedback? I would love to hear in the comments!
Want additional guidance or support in navigating your relationship, dating and sex goals?
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