#3 Ask VCD Anything: What are dating mistakes you've made in the past and the lessons you learned from them?
Awesome question and I'm so excited to answer, because there's nothing like a trip down memory lane to revisit the dating mishaps from my 20s and see how far I’ve come :)
If you have any lessons of your own please share them with us in the comments!
Lesson 1: Having needs does not make you needy
Classic anxious girly here 🙋♀️. Before reading books like Attached, the whole idea of people openly communicating their needs felt like a foreign language to me. With no clear examples to follow and a track record of men shutting me down whenever I expressed a desire for more, I started assuming that was the norm. Immediate thoughts of being in the wrong or asking for too much became second nature.
The mistake I made was, instead of finding someone capable of meeting my entirely normal needs, I ended up apologizing for having any needs at all. Eventually, I stopped sharing them altogether, pretending everything was fine. Ridiculous, right?
Here's a particularly cringe-worthy example: I was in a long-distance relationship, and despite clearly communicating my desire for more frequent contact, there were stretches of days, even up to a week, without hearing from my boyfriend at the time. And what did I do? I stayed. I made excuses. I made myself small.
So now, I've not only learned to communicate my needs but also how to communicate them, which is also freaking hard!
Lesson 2: Believe people when they say what they are looking for.
Back in the day, I had a knack for chasing men who weren't on the same page. Whether they were tossing me crumbs, confused or outright stating, "I’m not looking for a relationship right now," I'd declare ‘game on,’ hoping I could prove them wrong, win them over, convince them of my amazingness and be the exception to the rule. Spoiler alert: even if I did occasionally pull it off, it was only to face an inevitable breakup later.
Lesson learned - it was a reflection of my own emotional unavailability and low self-worth to continue to go after people who were not aligned with what I was looking for. I never self-abandon in that way anymore because I believe I am worthy of love and a committed relationship and I do not have to prove my worth to anyone.
Lesson 3: Be the prize. Not the backup.
Imagine college VCD at parties, desperately hoping the guy I liked or the guy I was actually SLEEPING WITH would acknowledge my existence. Spoiler alert: besides a subtle head nod or wink here and there, they often didn't till about 2 in the morning, leaving me waiting and waiting and waiting for them to eventually come talk to me. And what’s worse? I’m sure I was the sweetest, most adoring happy human when they finally did.
So my lesson to you is never forget your worth. We don't chase, we don't pine. We go for what's reciprocated and are only into those who are into us and not afraid to show it. Because for fu*k’s sake, there are so many people in this world who want to spend time with you, so why wouldn't the person you're seeing be interested in that too?
Lesson 4: If you like someone let them know
I used to fall for advice like “The women who have men climbing the walls for them are the ones who don’t appear to care that much” - this is an actual quote from the book ‘Why Men Love Bitches.’ No wonder I only ended up in anxious-avoidant situationships! It’s not about playing hard to get, it’s about being hard to get because you have standards and a full wonderful life you love. And it absolutely does not mean you should pretend you don’t care about someone. If you like someone, say it!
I wish I could travel back in time to tell my younger self that the whole point of dating is because, well, you actually like the person. Because if we aren’t out here dating authentically, vulnerably, and open then what the heck are we doing? And what makes me really sad is in the specific scene above, I ruined a moment for genuine connection with my dismissive comment that I chalked up to being cute. Who is the emotionally unavailable one now?
I have so many more lessons so stay tuned for part 2.
And in the meantime drop your own dating lessons learned the hard way in the comments! Let's cringe and grow together 😉
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Yes!! 🙌 I really wish Instagrammers like you existed were around when I was young & single.
My advice would be to be okay with being alone. Too many of my bad decisions were made because I was afraid to be alone/felt constant pressure that I needed to get married before it was too late.
I just got married at 48. We’re not having kids now and I mourned that a little, but overall my life is happy & full so who cares that it’s happening now?!